I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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