imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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