I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
