Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
