I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
