come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize