I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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