yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am puke
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
