If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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