You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Randomize
