you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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