i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize