girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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