Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
