Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
