If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
