Sry I called you an 8
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
