first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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