im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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