I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
