hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize