Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
