I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
