the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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