So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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