After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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