This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have tasted many bathrooms
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
