i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
