I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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