is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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