So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
