I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
