I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
