I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
