Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
