Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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