My liver just broke up with me...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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