where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
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