Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Randomize
