I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
