Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
