I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
