I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just invented taco cereal.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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