I'm going to jail i love you
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
