Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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