I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
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