So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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