I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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