My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
