Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
