ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
