How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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