so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
