I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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