smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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