thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's official drugs can't kill me
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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