I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
