I am in a vortex of obligation.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
