I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Are my feet made of real feet?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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