my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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